God Bless

I am a Christian. I have been as long as I can remember. I have always loved Jesus, love Church, singing the gospels, reading the Bible. Some might say I’m very religious. I love God so much. But over the last few years I have really felt like God doesn’t love me. I can’t hear Him. I can’t feel Him. All I feel is a void. An emptiness inside. I pray, I say the rosary, I beg, I plea, I even bargain. Please God, speak to me-show me you are here. I need you, I’m desperate for you. Crickets. Well, not even crickets really, just silence. 

When I was little I remember hearing many times how I was a mistake. I wasn’t meant to be born. And I wonder a lot, is that why God doesn’t hear me. Because He had no plan for me. I wasn’t meant to be me. 

You see, I make a mistake and apologize profusely for it and people don’t forgive me. My kids make a mistake, do something wrong, and other Moms stop talking to me-my kids are ostracized and I am left wondering how can I make them forgive me, how can I make things right? Yet someone can treat me bad, say awful things to me and I always forgive-heck, half of the time I end up apologizing for whatever it was that made them say such awful things to me in the first place. I am never forgiven, neither are my children. 

I know it. I feel it deep in my heart, down to my soul that God does not love me. He does not hear me. He will never answer my cries. But I will continue to raise my children to follow Him because they were not a mistake. They were not accidents. They were very much wanted and planned. I really hope God hears their prayers. I really hope He doesn’t punish them for being mine. I hope He has a plan for them. 

I know this silly blog falls on deaf ears and it’ll just go out into the void somewhere to be lost or forgotten. But I just needed to get this off my chest and off my mind. 

I’m feeling very sad and lonely and like a failure as a Mom and Wife. And all I want to do is talk to God. I want to cling to Him so badly right now. I want Him to tell me it’s going to be alright and make everything better. I just need God to bless me for a change. I just need Him to love me.